Like a Rushing River

silhouette of tower
Photo by Maël BALLAND on Pexels.com

I turned 35 this year and maybe it’s existentialism clawing at my very being, but I’ve started to look at my life and I’m feeling a little torn. Torn over what it is I’ve actually accomplished, where it is I’m going, and if I’m really happy with who I am when I present that who out into the world. (The who that is presented out in the world, in question here, is certainly different than the who at home.)

It’s a lot to reconcile.

It’s a heady emotion to feel. Like a rushing river. And now the dam is full, ready to burst.

For well over a year I have begun to walk down a road that makes me really take a hard look at myself, my life, and what it is I want.

Some will say “Oh! You have a husband, three great kids, an established career …”

That’s all true. And I’m grateful for all of it. Yet none of that is an accomplishment – even though I love my husband and children very very much.

THEY ARE NOT an accomplishment. Their lives will be THEIR accomplishment. I will be very happy for them, and I encourage them, but aside from biology I am not about to begin taking credit for what they will accomplish in their lives.

As for the career?

I just happened to be standing in the right place at the right time to fall into a career that paid well and that I was pretty okay at. Top it all off? They lauded me with praise and I had my father’s approval.

Today? Daddy is gone and the praise feels hollow.

So now, who was it all for? And where do I go from here?

Those questions have fueled this blog on many days where I wondered exactly what I’m doing.

So today I sit here and find myself trying to understand how to find happiness in completely overhauling my life. How to align 15 years of experience in a career with only an Associate’s degree under my belt and a hope in my heart.

And then I remind myself that a hope can help light the path while I find my way. That for any one of us trying to figure out how to take a love for the creative and turn it into an accomplished career all we have to do is take the first step.

 

Published by

Heather Sellers

Enthusiastic optimist trying to use writing to make the world a better place - or at the very least make a corner of the world the best place it can be.

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