I’m Not Done Growing

It has been just over a month since my last post – 5 weeks to be exact. I wish I had a good reason why I haven’t been posting, but all I can say is that it’s been a difficult time and while I feel regret that I haven’t followed through on my self mandated schedule, I do know that being able to just shut off the things I do have control over is important.

Here’s the thing. I’m an introvert. And an empath. One might be a symptom of the other, but either way they inform a large part of how I respond to things. Things like the current state of the world. This sounds like an excuse and in a way it is. I could just as easily have made my posts – I started them each week, and left them sitting in my drafts folder, unedited. But in all actuality, anything I was writing did not have my heart in it. And in the way that I have represented myself in this blog it seemed like the wrong way to go forward if I wasn’t going to be capable of being present.

If I haven’t been writing what have I been doing? A lot of wallowing for a bit – which surprised me because my first two weeks after transitioning from being employed full time to being self-employed included a lot of that. I thought I was done. I thought I’d slept out the grief, and was finally refreshed and ready to take on all of these new challenges. It seems, however, that I missed something, because there certainly was a need to pull the covers back over my head and shut things out for a bit longer.

So I took a break from blogging. I have read a few books. Played a few video games. Researched gardening herbs. Dug into what it takes to make homemade cards and running an online bookstore. I have baked. A LOT of baking. Cookies, bread, cakes. It turns out I’m actually pretty good at the whole baking thing. I’ve also been working on my home office, straightening, organizing, making it somewhere I could safely tuck away and work in.

And in the last few days I have been pulling out old manuscripts and starting to hand jam them into the computer. This has helped me get back into the groove of writing. I’ve realized that what I thought was excellent had needed some work. I needed to mature, as a person, as a writer. I needed to gain new perspectives. New skills. I have come back to old stories with a different understanding of what I bring to the table, and I think it’s helped me see what else I have in my wheel house.

This time away has helped me to see that I am not done growing. I never will be. And now that I see that clearly I am able to welcome new skills. Maybe I’ll take up candle making next.

“I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day”

-Johnny Nash (“I Can See Clearly Now”)